Home

 The Tale of Years (Chronology of the Westlands) | Family Trees | The Characters | Lord of the Rings Humor | Links
White Shores are Calling...
Lord of the Rings Humor

I'm a fan of Shadowfax!

The Fellowship of the Pants

(in rough order)

 

One pants to rule them all,

One pants to find them,

One pants to bring them all

And in the darkness wear them.

 

Three pants, the fiarest of all, the Elf-Lords hid from him, and his hand never touched them or sullied them. Seven pairs the Dwarf-Lords possessed but three he has recovered and the others the dragons are wearing. Nine pairs he gave to Mortal Men, proud and great, and so he wedgied them (Melvined in the US, I believe).

 

'He had this one chance to destroy evil, but the pants of Men are strange.'

 

'Pants crept back into the forest of the world. Rumors grew of a shadow in the pants. Whispers of a nameless fear.'

 

Galadriel: "The world is changed. I feel it in my pants."

 

Frodo Baggins, a wizard's pants are never too tight. Nor are they too baggy. They fit precisely as he means them to.

 

"You're far too eager and pantless for a hobbit, it's most unnatural." - Gandalf

 

"You've been officially labeled a disturber of the pants."--Frodo

 

Gandalf: "If you're referring to the incident with the dragon, I had hardly anything to do with it. I merely gave Bilbo a little tug on his trousers."

 

"Go on Sam, ask Rosie for her pants!"

 

Gandalf: "He's very fond of you, you know".

 

Bilbo: "I know...he'd probably go pantless with me if I asked him to. But I think in his heart, Frodo's still in love with pants...the leggings, the pockets, the stitching..."

 

Gandalf: "Bilbo Baggins, there a number of magic pants in the world and none of them should be worn lightly."

 

Bilbo: "Oh it was just a bit of fun, did you see their faces?!"

 

I feel thin, sort of stretched, like tight pants spread over too much bum.

 

I need a holiday Gandalf. I think I'll take off my pants, and I don't expect I'll ever put them back on again. In fact, I mean not to! -Bilbo Baggins.

 

"Old Toby-- the finest pants in South-Farthing!" --Bilbo

 

Do not take me for a wearer of cheap pants!

 

"They're some form of Elvish pants-- I cannot wear them."

 

"There are few who can. They are the dark pants of Mordor, which I shall not put on here.

 

Frodo: "Take them! You must take my pants, I'm giving them to you!"

 

Gandalf: "Do not tempt me Frodo! You see, I would try to wear these pants out of the intention of looking good..."

 

Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee, have you been pantsdropping?

 

Sam: I aint been dropping no pants!

 

If I put one more leg in, I'll have on the most pants I've ever worn. -Sam

 

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, taking off your pants. You step out of your pants, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to."

 

You've been in Farmer Maggot's pants! - Sam

 

Frodo and Merry huddle behind some bushes at

night and anxiously look off into the distance.

Frodo: "We must get out of our pants"

Merry ponders things, then...firmly:

Merry: "Unbuckle Merry!" (LOL Tele)

 

Saruman: "Why should we fear to wear the pants?"

 

Gandalf: "The see-ing pants are not all accounted for! We do not know who else may be wearing them! *shoves pants back into drawer*

 

I am no longer Saruman with Pants! I am Saruman the Pantless!! -- Saruman to Gandalf

 

'Your love of the halfling's pants has clouded your mind. 

 

Saurons pants are already moving.

 

Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Mordor sees all -- his gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and pants."

 

They will find the pants and kill the one who wears them

 

There is only one Lord of The Rings, and he does not share his pants!

 

Saruman to Gandalf: It would be wise, old friend, to remove your pants.

 

Black Rider to Farmer Maggot(?): "Paaaaannnnnttttttssssssssssss

 

"There be no pants round 'ere, not in these parts!"

 

"We have come to stay at the inn. Our pants are our own"

 

Barlibur: What can I do fer ye, little masters? We've some nice hobbit-sized pants fer ye, if yer interested....

 

They come in pants?

 

Strider:"You draw far too much attention to your pants Mr. Underhill!"

 

All that is cold does not shiver,

Not all those without pants are lost;

The pants that are strong do not wither,

Deep pants are not reached by the frost.

From the pants a fire shall be woken,

A pants from the shadow shall spring;

Renewed shall be pants that were broken,

The pantless again shall be king.

 

Are you wearing pants?

Yes.

Not nearly enough

 

Sam had long ago made up his mind that, though pants were maybe not as dangerous as he had been brought up to believe, they were far more uncomfortable than even he had imagined. 

 

Rivendell? We're going to see the pants!"

 

-"There shall be no wearing pants until nightfall"

-"What about underpants?"

-"I don't think he knows about underpants Pip."

-"What about boxers? or briefs? or shorts? or tighty whities? or speedos? or thongs?"

 

"What are they"

"They were once pants..."

 

Aragorn: "Are you familiar with athelegs?"

Sam: "Athelegs?"

Aragorn: "Kingstrousers."

Sam: "Yes, they're pants."

 

This is beyond my skill to clothe. He needs Elvish pants. -Aragorn

 

What's this? A Ranger caught with his pants down?

 

By Elbereth and Luthien the Fair,

you shall neither my pants nor me.

 

"Give up the pants, She-elf!"

 

If you want my pants... come and claim them! - Arwen

 

'Frodo, hear my voice. Come back to your pants'

 

Arwen to Aragorn, in Rivendell: Do you remember when we first met?

 

Aragorn: Yes, I thought I had strayed into your pants.

 

"You cannot give me this."

 

"It is mine to give to whom I will, as are my pants."-Arwen

 

Arwen: "Why do you fear the pants?"

 

Elrond:"Pants? Pants are weak. I was there, 3,000 years ago, I was there the day the strength of pants failed.

'This evil cannot be concealed by the pants of the Elves.'

 

Gandalf: "There is one who could unite pants"

 

Elrond: "Yes, but he turned from pants long ago. He has chosen boxers."

 

Gandalf: "I fear he will wear those pants all of his life."

 

Elrond: "Yet, he shows amazing resilience to their evil..."

 

Gandalf: "He should never have had to wear those pants. We can ask no more of Frodo."

 

"You're right, Sam. The pants will be safe in Rivendell. I am ready to take them off."

 

Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, you will wear pants or you will fail.

 

Gondor has no pants. Gondor needs no pants. -Boromir

 

There is evil there, that does not wear pants! -- Boromir

 

'The pants of the Enemy are a gift. Let us wear them against him.'

 

We cannot wear pants! -- Aragorn to Boromir at the CoE

 

He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn... you owe him your pants. -Legolas 

 

Gimli at the Council: Never trust pants!

 

Frodo: I will drop my pants in Mordor...though I do not know the way.

 

Gandalf: And I will assist you.

 

If with pants or without I can serve you, I will

 

Aragorn: You have my sword

Legolas: You have my bow

Gimli: and MY PANTS!

 

Frodos not going anywhere without pants

 

You need pants of corduroy on this mission... quest... thing" -Pippin

 

You shall be the Fellowship of the Pants! -Elrond

 

"My old pants... I should like to wear them again..." -- Bilbo

 

Bilbo without pants: It's a pretty little thing, isn't it? Light as a feather, yet as hard as dragon scales.

 

Do you know how Pants first came into being? They were once Skirts. Taken by the Dark Powers in the First Age - tortured, mutilated - a ruined and terrible form of clothing, bred into Menswear.

 

"Sew me a pair of pants worthy of me" -Sauron

 

"The pants are strong my lord. Their stitching is good." -Random Orc

 

Boromir looks in Frodo's pants: "It is a strange fate that we suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing...such a little thing."

 

Boromir to Gandalf: These pants do not fit! We must head for the Gap!

 

"I do not wish to wear them, but neither do I wish to refuse the pants of Gandalf. I beg that there be no vote, until we have slept in them. Gandalf will get votes easier in the light of the morning than in these cold briefs."

 

The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Say Pants and enter

 

Gimli : Moria - Khazad-dum! Greatest of the Dwarf Halls - what I would not give to look in its pants!

 

Let us hope our pants here will go unnoticed

 

The Pants of Moria were vast and intricate beyond the imagination of Gimli, Gloin's son.

 

Pants of a Took!

 

Gandalf: Do not be too eager to pull down someone's pants in judgment.

 

Frodo: I wish I had never worn any pants. I wish none of this had ever happened.

Gandalf: All we can do is decide what to do with the pants that are given us

 

Many who deserves pants get boxers and many who deserves boxers get pants. Can you give it to them, Frodo?

or: "Deserves them! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve pants. And some that die deserve pants also. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out pants in judgment..."

 

The pants of Bilbo may rule the fate of many

 

'You were meant to wear the pants, Frodo.'

 

Frodo to Gandalf, after looking down his pants:

"There's something down there!"

 

Gandalf: Oh! It's this pair!

Merry: He's remembered!

Gandalf: No, it just these pants do not smell so foul...

 

"Let them come! There is one dwarf in Moria who still wears pants!"

 

No one tosses pants- Gimli

 

"Not the pants!" - Gimli

 

You have no pants! I am the Servant of the Secret Singer Patterns, wielder of the Needle and Thread. You have no pants! Boxers will not avail you, Flaming Underpants! Go back to the dressing room! You have no pants!

 

Gandalf hanging off of the bridge in Moria:

"Your flies, you fools!"

 

Give them some pants, for Pity's sake!

 

By nightfall these pants will be crawling with Orcs

 

Gimli: 'They say all who look upon her lose their pants. Well this is one Dwarf she won't unpant!'

 

Gimli: 'I have the eyes of a hawk and the pants of a fox'

 

Hama: 'Your pants are so loud we could see them in the dark.'

 

Hama: "Here I must bid you lay aside your pants before you enter."

 

"You enter the pants of the Lady of the Wood, you cannot go back."

 

Celeborn:

Pantless ...you ..are ...here, yet ...in pants... you... set... out... from... Riiiveeeeeendeeeeeeell. Tell me.... where are... your.... pants....? For... I... desire... to... wear.... them.

 

The quest stands on the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and your pants shall fall, to the ruin and utter discomfort of us all.

or: "The pants stand upon the edge of a knife. One move, and they will rip, to the ruin of all.....yet hope remains, while the pants are still on."

 

Boromir: "I heard a voice in my head...she spoke of my pants. She said they are still on, but I cannot see any"

 

It is a lament for pants

what do they say?

I have not the ability to tell you. For me, the pants are still too tight.

 

Aragorn: Tonight I shall sleep without pants for the first time since we left Rivendell

 

Galadriel: Will you look in my pants Frodo?

Frodo: What will I see?

Galadriel: Even the wisest cannot tell.

 

Galadriel: For did you not say that you wanted to see Elf-pants?

Sam: I did. I'll have a peep, Lady, if you're willing

 

Galadriel: But come, you shall look and see what you may. Do not touch the pants!

 

"Even the smallest pants can change the course of the future".

"I know what you saw...for it is also in my pants"

"These pants were appointed to you, and if they do not fit, they will fit no-one".

"Here take this. It is the pants of Earendil"

 

"He will try to take your pants, Frodo, you know of whom I speak!"

 

You are a pants-wearer Frodo. To be a Pants-wearer is to be alone. -Galadriel

 

All will wear my pants and despair

 

'I want them clean and unsoiled.'

- Saruman to Lurtz (on how he likes his pants)

 

"Look, the Pants of the Kings! These are the Pants of Isildur and Anarion, my pantless sires of old. Long have I desired to look upon them, to compare my own worthless pants to the pants of the Great Ones!"

 

"A shadow and a threat has been growing in my pants." - Legolas

 

"Something draws near... I can feel it in my pants!" -- Legolas

 

Find the pants! -- Lurtz

 

"And it would seem like wisdom but for the warning in my pants."

 

Are you sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo. Other pants you could wear.

 

"Lend me the pants, Frodo"

 

You will beg for pants before the end! -Boromir

 

Aragorn: 'I swore to protect you.'

Frodo: 'But can you protect me from your pants?'

 

I would have worn your pants... my brother.... my captain.... my king.

 

I will not let the white pants fall. -Aragorn

 

"Hurry, our pants have floated to the eastern shore!...You mean not to follow them?"-Legolas

"Our pants are out of our reach now"-Aragorn

"Then we have failed. The fellowship has failed"-Gimli

"Not as long as we have our polka-dot boxers."

 

Let us hunt some pants!

 

 

Sam to Frodo: No No No No - Frodo!

Frodo: No Sam. I'm putting on my pants alone.

Sam: Of course you are. And I'm helping you!

 

I made a promise. Don't you lose your pants Samwise Gamgee. And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.

 

Frodo: I hope the others find their pants. I don't think I will ever see mine again.

 

Lord of the Rings Jokes
During their search for the two halflings, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are discovered by the Uruk-Hai who take them captive. The three plead with Ugluk and finally he agrees to let them go as long as they forfill a task to be made up by his Uruk troops. When the decision is made, Ugluk approaches them...
"You may leave, if you go into Fangorn and bring back 100 pieces of your favourite fruit. We will tell you what to do with it when you return. You shall have a guard with you so you dont escape."
So the three warriors and their guards ventured into Fangorn and eventually returned with their fruit. Aragorn was the first to return, carrying 100 Apples. Ugluk told him that:
"if you wish to survive, you must shove all 100 apples up your bottom without making any facial expressions or noises."
So Aragorn started. 1,2,3,4... 60,61 and then "OOOOOOOOOOhhh!!!" he cried out in pain and was killed on the spot by dozens of arrows.
Next back came Legolas, carrying 100 grapes of a bright green. He was told the instructions and started his task. 1,2,3,4,5,6... 95,96,97 and then he burst out laughing!!! He was dead in a matter of seconds.
At the gates of Arvandor, while they awaited guidance from ERU to their eternal home, Aragorn asked Legolas why he had laughed. "You were so close to living! Now who shall save the hobbits?"
To which Legolas replied, "I couldnt help myself! I just saw Gimli coming back with an armful of pineapples!"
 
 
This old man and women were sleeping in their bed when they heard a loud knock on their door. The old women woke up and made her husband go see who was at the door. The old man put on his trousers and opened the door to see Boromir (who was very drunk) staggering at the door.  Boromir said, "I need a push!"  The old man said, "Sod off you drunk!" and slammed the door in his face."  As he crawled back in bed, his wife asked about who was at the door.  He told her about Boromir and what he wanted. The old woman looked furious and said, "Do you remember that time we had to go to your sisters wedding and our carriage went into a ditch, we couldnt get the carriage out.  If that stranger hadnt come by and helped push our carriage out of the ditch we would have never made it to the wedding."  The old man remembered that day and felt bad.  He went outside but couldnt find Boromir.  So he called out into the darkness, "Boromir!  Do you still need a push?"  From the distance the old man heard "Yes!"  The old man replyed, "I cant see you Boromir, where are you?"   To this Boromir replyed, "Im in the backyard, on the swing!"
 
Three Minions, captured by the Elves, are scheduled to be executed. The Elven warden asks them what they want for their last meal. "Red meat," the first responds. The warden serves him his red meat, then leads him to his execution. The second fellow requests a fresh chicken. The warden serves it to him and escorts him to his execution. The third Orc says, "Id like a plate of strawberries." "Im sorry," says the warden, "but strawberries are out of season." "Ah," says the prisoner. "Ill wait."
 
During The Last Alliance of Elves and Men, an elf was captured by an orc. He was injured very badly, and his arm needed to be amputated.
He asked the orc, "Could you send my arm to Mirkwood?"
The orc said he would.
The next day the elfs other arm had to be amputated, and he asked if it could be sent to Mirkwood, too.The orc agreed.
Then the elfs leg had to be amputated, and he asked the same thing. The orc agreed to that as well.
But when the elfs other leg had to be amputated, and he asked thing same to be done with it, the orc got fed up.
"Now hold on," the orc said, "Youre trying to escape, arent you?"
 
A dwarf and a hobbit are walking down a road.  The dwarf has a big potato sack over his shoulder.  The hobbit decided to ask what was in the sack.  When he asked, the dwarf said, "I got some chickens for dinner tonight...Mmmm, Mmmm."   The hobbit wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.   "Well, Ill tell you,"  replied the dwarf, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this sack,  Ill give them both to you."
 
At a public killing there were three burglars waiting for there execution: A hobbit, A dwarf, and a stupid orc.They first have the hobbit step up and put his head in the vice. 
"Do you have any last words?" asked the executioner.
"Long live Hobbits of the shire!!" He said and the executioner let go of the rope.The blade suddenly stopped right before it got to the hobbits neck.
"Its a miracle!!!"Cried the townspeople."Let the hobbit go!!!" and they did.
Next the dwarf stepped forward. "Do you have any last words?" asked the executioner as the dwarf bowed his head. "May the beards of my people grow ever longer!!" Said he.The executioner let go of the rope.The blade stopped right before it got to the dwarfs neck.
"Two miracles in one day!!! Let this dwarf free!!!" The townspeople yelled. And they did.
Lastly the stupid Orc came forward and bowed his head upon the vick.The executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" 
"Id just like to point out to you that you have a knot in the rope there."
 
A Man of Gondor, a Rider of Rohan, a Dwarf, and a foo-foo Elf are captured by Orcs. The Orcs are going to flog them, and they say that each one can have something on their back while they are whipped.
The Rider of Rohan says, "I will have leather armor!" So they put leather armor on his back and flog him. The Rider of Rohan gets beat up pretty bad.
The Man of Gondor says, "I will have mithril!" So they put mithril on his back and then flog him. The Man of Gondor gets beat up pretty bad.
The Dwarf says, "I will have nothing!" So they flog his bare back. The Dwarf is barely injured at all.
Then it is the foo-foo Elfs turn to be flogged. When they ask him what he wants on his back, he says, "Ill take the Dwarf!"
 
A Dwarf, an Ent and an Elf are sentenced to death. The dwarf is brought out first . The firing squad takes aim. Suddenly the dwarf yells: "Avalanche! " In the confusion he escapes.
The Ent is impressed and decides to try something similar. As the squad takes aim he yells: "Flood!" And in the confusion he too makes his escape.
The elf has observed this closely. He decides to follow their example. So just as the firing squad takes aim, he yells: "Fire!"...
 
One day Eowyn and Ugluk went to school.Gandalf was teaching the class.Eowyn sat in front of Ugluk.But she fell asleep."Eowyn,who made the Heavens and the earth?"Gandalf asked.But Eowyn did not answer.So Ugluk jabbed his pencil into her. "God Almighty!"Eowyn screamed waking up."Very good,"Gandalf said.Soon Eowyn fell asleep again."Eowyn,who saved us from our sins?"Gandalf asked.But Eowyn didn't answer.So Ugluk jabbed his pencil into her."Jesus Christ!"She screamed waking up."Very good,"Gandalf said.This time Eowyn stayed awake."What did Arwen say to Aragorn after they had thier 10th kid,Eowyn?"Gandalf said.Eowyn was thinking but Ugluk thought she was asleep.So he jabbed his pencil into her.So she turned around and said,"If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonnah break it in half!"